Waiting time for a spark to manifest?

Ok another online dating question.. I know most of you guys probably don't do online dating but I thought I'll ask anyway in case people have ideas. How many dates do people generally go on before they decide there's no spark/connection and call it quits? The first guy (psycho) I met I knew there was no spark and that I didn't want to see him again after the first date. But I've now met another guy twice, both times for mid-morning coffee and it feels more like meeting a work colleague for coffee.. not meeting a friend or a potential boyfriend.. a work colleague. Should I keep seeing him even though I don't feel a spark? Is two one-hour coffee dates enough to know it's not really happening for me, and for me to call it quits? How long will it go on before he reaches out and holds my hand and I think "Argh!" and it becomes all awkward and uncomfortable?

tell him that you love him...

then you won't need to worry about him calling again

Try doing something else and see if it's different imo

Me...I wouldnt bother any further with him..Theres a spark or there isnt for me I always have known either straight away or after a little while....its like bam cant wait to see him again hope he calls me kinda feeling...I wanna rip his clothes off...

I was going to say why bother, but this might be a good idea too.


If you're meeting at a time you would normally meet a work colleague, then my guess is that's why it might feel like you're meeting a work colleague. I wouldn't go on 'dates' during work hours. Seems a bit weird.

Next date should definitely involve a few drinks as well obviously :>

Don't go for coffee, that's what friends do.

BTW, anyone see the title and think this was about A Spark?

They were both Saturday morning coffee dates. I don't have a desire to see him again. I guess that's a sign that I just don't feel it and that I probably never will.

Are there really guys out there you meet on the first date and just want to rip their clothes off? Where do I find these fantastic men?

in your dreams

Occasionally it does......I like the whole randomly meeting someone and clicking and it being unforced..thats probably why online dating didnt work for me it felt forced and awkward, I might try it again but with zero expectations and just for meeting new people and stop being so polite and gtfo if theyre weird hah....good luck with it hope you find someone mindblowing and awesome!

How long do the coffees go for? If you click then IMO it will last > 2 hours because you want to chat about everything....Do you feel comfortable with him? If not...then probably not right! You will know if it works.

There is your answer.

Have you never met someone who you'd like to rip their clothes off? That worries me. You should instantly be giving someone the glad eye. I think, if you don't find them attractive then they're probably not for you.

Glad eye. One of the great turns of phrase, right up there with pash IMHO.

Glad eye, haha. No I don't think I've ever given anyone the glad eye (I just had to google it to find out what it was).

Yes there was one guy whose clothes I wanted to rip off on the first date, but it was just a physical relationship and he was a douchebag. I still feel sad about him even though it's been a year since I last saw him. My last proper relationship ended 11 years ago. It screwed me up so much I haven't had a relationship since then, except the douchebag, which wasn't even a proper relationship anyway... he was 13 years younger than me too, it was hawt.

But now I'm looking for someone that I want to marry and have kids with. Which I guess means I have to settle for someone boring and non-clothes-rippage-on-first-date.

God I hope you dont settle... but I know what youre saying a fucked up relationship put me off for years too. But Im determined to find someone sexy, awesome and funny ... so my goal next year is to get really fit and make myself the best me ever, physically. Will start doing things sexy cool guys do..surfing, hiking, running, wind surfing.. ...sexy cool stuff...instead of drinking and partying so much.......I dont know much cgirl but I think you should aim for the best guy for you dont settle .. online dating might take a while to filter through the boring plebs...

Yeah I know it's a bit depressing isn't it. I've always avoided online dating because the whole thing seems so forced, but I flatted with a lady who met her husband through Findsomeone and she said to give it another go. So I'm trying it.. but I'd still rather meet someone through going out and doing stuff. I ski every week at Snowplanet but haven't met anyone suitable there. Starting a new job in February so I'm hoping there'll be some hotties in my department.

On the plus side, check out the cat bed I made last night! Maybe I'm turning into a crazy cat lady.

IMO A forced relationship is not really a relationship. A lot of people doing online dating in NZ seem to have the mindset that they need to find someone to spend the rest of their life with, and IMO if you go into it with that kind of mindset it's seldom going to work.

umm yes that cat bed is super nice.

No comment on the crazy cat lady point

I think your cat bed is awesome.

I can't comment on if you'll find love online, but you may make some new friends to expand your friendship circle and find love that way? Thats what I did.

Not where you'll be working.

Pfft you guys need 3 or 4 cats minimum to be crazy cat ladies.

HOw many cats does a crazy cat man have?

I say one

Why do crazy people like cats?

because they're crazy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cat_lady



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_hoarding

hehe.. reminds me of

Fucken eh man. Sick of all these bitches *claiming* to be "crazy cat ladies" when they have like one fucking cat. No, the cat that lives at your parents house doesn't count as "your" cat either. You're in fact a bad parent for leaving them behind and getting a newer, better cat if you wanna count those ones.

I once had a flat with 3 guys and 7 cats. Bitches gotta recognise.

One thing I gotta love about this neighborhood is its a virtual cat free zone, unlike every other auckland suburb that is overrun by a procession of manky moggies looking for a feed and prowling around attempting to own the place

Great thing about the city too :>

No cats, no mozzies, no flies. (Unless it's REALLY humid for a long time)

what is it you really want CP.
remember what happens to the woman waiting for the perfect man

That's weird.

You been to West Auckland? HOW WE ROLL WHUT!

ps. I think someone may have gotten a "pussy" reference wrong at some point...

Didn't say it wasn't, just illustrating that 99% of those who claim to be crazy cat ladies have a much higher bar to jump than they think.

Didn't say you did

CP - why don't you just sleep with him? that should make it easier to decide whether there's a spark

Yeah, there might not be any other spark, but maybe he knows how to work that pussy for reals.

You would have a lot of experience with that...


after living with 7 cats.

Work, mother fucker, work!

http://magnoliasofsavannahonline.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/halloweenweb020.JPG

Bahahahahahahaahhhaaaaaaaaaa. cats.

To be fair, wasn't it like 1 cat and 6 kittens? :>

You people look to hard to try and find things like "sparks" or "love" ... just chill the fuck out, it will happen.

ll this ca t tkakl got m thinking, is ito kay to havea pet wolf?

what?

I'm not waiting for the perfect man.. there's no such thing. I'm just looking for someone I click with. After Qtraro's advice I'm now also looking for someone that I'm physically attracted to. Hopefully both in the same person!

Bah, 11 years and it hasn't happened yet..

You heard the man!


ll this ca t tkakl got m thinking, is ito kay to havea pet wolf?!!!


Gaaawwwwwd.

Well, 4

But still. Owned wannabe cat ladies.

YAY work it girlfriend

Every boy scout knows there will be no sparks if you are not rubbing two things against each other

how drunk?

is it Ok to have a pet wolf?

NO!

that is a wild motherfuckin animal, a highly social wild animal at that, if you're going to have a 'pet' wolf you really need to have a whole pack. and probably live out in the wild with them, like this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaun_Ellis_(wolf_researcher)

lulz. i love people who want exotic animals as pets. never stopping to think why certain animals have been domesticated over the past ten thousand years, and why others haven't.




if you think the answer is "because a wild animal will literally rip your face of" then you'd be right.

animals were domesticated for specific purposes - not for pets as we see them now....

if a gibbon had proved to be the best vermin eradicator and was commonly found around the globe we'd all be gibbon owners not cat fetishists

I've thought this through, I'll let him out to hunt at night, so he'll take out annoying cats and teenagers, and I'll be his pack leader so he'll be fiercely loyal to me as I'll give him whole pigs to feed on too. We'll go for runs all the time it'll be like a dog sled but I'll be on a skateboard or bike while he drags me along.

Most importantly I'll be able to say '*Name*, to me!' and he'll come bounding over.

The best research into it seems to point to cats domesticaing themselves, due to the abundance of food scraps and vermin around humans.

So basically cats are scroungers, like seagulls

that may be so but you can't make a nice coat from seagulls

*gets coat and leaves*

For you, replace Emotionally Stable with Financially Stable"

Good luck tho...and as for the OP and "the spark"...you know from the first date if you wanna fuck/kiss them...if you don't want to do that, there ain't no spark and never will be...can't be forced

But remember..."When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away"

Hahaha. oh and lol @ wolves and cat coats wtf you guys crack me up.

Thanks Insanity for your viewpoint, I think I needed someone to confirm that the spark would never happen if it hadn't happened already.

I wrote to him and told him I didn't feel a spark and would like to continue looking. So back to square one. But at least I didn't go too far down the path and it became too awkward and hurting him to end it. I still feel a bit guilty about it, because he's a nice guy. Just not right for me.

If he was so nice you should have let him down gently with at least a courtesy handjob or something.

I can tell within the first half an hour.

Also seconding what Jono said, coffee is boring.

being a chap... it takes about 2 seconds or less to desire sex with a person... but quite some time for a romantic attachment to form

romance and long term relationships are built on the person(ality).... not the physical attraction (which is vital but doesn't have to be immediate)

so you after a root or something more lasting CP (refer to insanitys second paragraph)?

i think there does need to be a physical attraction of some sorts, a germ as it were, enough for something to develop from as their personality declares itself to you

Agreed...can't imagine a sexual relationship with someone you're not sexually attracted to...but in terms of going long term, any spark will fade, so you need to find someone who does give you at least some spark, while still holding strong to the other things you value...common interests, points of view, beliefs etc

Girls these days have no respect for our feelings mate

Marriage and kids.. ie long lasting. A root I could obtain fairly easily and wouldn't bother creating a dating profile for.

I couldn't really force physical attraction with him if it wasn't there. It felt as platonic as talking to my friend's dad.

It sounds like your focused on the end game to much. If you are going into situations and immedaitely assessing wether someone is going to be your life partner, youre doing it wrong. I agree that there should be some spark of chemistry from the outset and if there is play it out. Imo it takes time to get to know someones values and core beliefs and if you write someone off on assupmtions made after barley meeting then you will probably go 11 years and not meet anyone. I reckon you should open the parameters of what you looking for and work forward from there - I am sure you will meet more interesting and possibly more suitable people...

On a side note, how much would you be willing to pay to meet the man of your dreams? $5k? How about small introductry fee for meeting elidigbe man, $1000 on 6 month anniversary. $1000 on 1 year, and the remindering to be payed on wedding and/or first child?? Profit?

What do guys like to do for dates? I mean coffee is boring I even hate meeting my friends for coffee ..

Do guys like doing sporting things like golf or maybe a go at that in house golf where you hit it to the field? I forget what it's called. A walk on the beach for a chat maybe with a dog or something..

What is good date outing ideas. I would prefer to do something than sit at dinner it's awkward imo..

I can think of a couple of things

Just a few drinks somewhere quiet and cool. No need for anything fancy on the first date.

I meant first date not the second date


*jks*

that is a bit fancy.

What on earth is fancy about a couple of drinks?

Nothing really just being a smartarse.

I think she's made it pretty clear the issue here is attraction which most of us agree you know is either there or not pretty quick

I think I need your number

YAY
You wanna play golf with me

Girl... I just want to say that the back of your head is ridiculous!

lol.....oh man I cant wait to get fit and start dating again. guys dont really like fatties Im sure.

Yeah, but not until the third date. I don't like to move too fast :>

Yeah same :>

I go "into situations" with no expectations and to see how we get on and if I like the person, not with an assessment checklist of whether someone is going to be my life partner. I now think a 2 hour conversation is long enough to know whether I want to see the person again. What would be the point in spending time getting to know their values and core beliefs if you had no physical attraction with them? I have opened the parameters of what I'm looking for.. my profile's pretty broad in what I'm looking for.. a 10 year age range, wants kids in the next 3 years and likes saving and investing. I'm not going to waste time going on a date with the 21 year old who wants kids "sometime after 5 years" who emailed me with "Hi, what's up", or the 45 year old man who's married but separated who already has two kids but doesn't want anymore.

I wouldn't pay anything. If it's not meant to happen for me, it's not meant to happen.

LOL you guys, shagging on the third date!

Spike's drinks idea is good, although are there any other suggestions apart from that? I'm one of those people who gets drunk after one drink.. wouldn't be a good look to be stumbling on the first date.. shame. Actually, once when I was about 18 I went on a "date" with this dude (he was keen and came along to a night out with my friends and I) and I got so drunk he ended up looking after me while I lay in the carpark getting car oil in my hair and spewing. Needless to say there was no second date.

I think its kind of dumb to put some kind of restriction 'NO SEX UNTIL DATE #5' or whatever. If you're attracted to them and things are going well, who cares? I'm under the impression that the majority of guys don't lose any respect for someone just because they're willing to have sex after a couple of dates....

Personally, I like to get that shit out of the way early.

Yeah I dont have any rules but its nice to hang out for a while I made one of my exes wait 2 months but it was just right...once you do it .. you end up banging all the time ...sweet sweet banging. Walks at Mission Bay become distant memories. heh.

Sex with new people rules.

This is criminal.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_balls

As long as it's not the first date it's okay... That said I'm not pimping enough to actually turn down sex on the first date by any stretch, but generally sex on the first date makes me think slag and throws up a red flag.

Hypocrite, yes.

Madonna/whore complex much?


I don't think you can put rules on anything at all when it comes to dating or meeting someone. If you instantly hit it off (or "connect" for all you romantics) with someone and the natural end to that awesome night ends in sex then so be it. If however, you're just giving it away on the first date with fuck all chemistry at all.... Then you got a problem.

If a bitch fucking you first date, odds are she fucked on a few first dates... and value drops with abundance

It would be ok on the first date is if youve known each other for ages and just hadnt taken that going on a date step, and then realise wowzers theyre awesome!...if its someone youve just met and dont know at all then thats pretty nasty...but each to their own... these days theres not many available men out there so girls might give up the goods quick to keep him keen ....its a hard knock life for single girls I guess :> Cant wait to join the dating game again ...its going to be interesting Im sure...