Dating someone with kids

So, I figure a few people on here have kids, and I'm curious about what the logistics were like when you were dating people. I've never been in a serious relationship with anyone who has had kids, and now I'm living with someone who has a 14 year old. As I've never been n this role, and certainly not with a teenager, I'm kinda not 100% sure about my engagement with her son.

If you have kids was it weird starting to share that relationship with a new partner?

If you don't have kids but started dating someone with kids how'd you handle that changing role?

I will never date anyone with kids. She will be my wife, will be my kids and I def don't plan on getting a divorce.

I'm not weak like others ... I'm AWESOME.

What if you meet someone who you're really into and they have kids though?

I won't.

Sounds like that time back in 01 when I was talking to Moo online and she said she would never ever meet or falll in love with someone who wasn't rich ...

Never know who you're stopping yourself from meeting by ruling certain people out ....

I’ve done it before and it was all good. We had an amicable split and to be honest I missed the kids more than her.

It wouldn’t be my ideal, but I wouldn’t rule out doing it again. If a woman is amazing, and we share chemistry beyond belief then it wouldn’t necessarily be a show stopper if kids were in tow.

Far too many variables come into play for hypothetical’s, and the fact that I am probably a terrible role model for children would most likely ward off most solo mothers anyway

I remember a couple years ago I was kinda casually seeing this chick who would of been 37 I think .... and she had a 4 year old ... and one day I offered to take him for his swimming lesson as she was busy. I thought the parent/caregiver swam with the kid so rocked out of the changing room in boardies hand in hand with this little blonde kid who obviously wasn't my own ... the other mums gave me a few raised eyebrows as they knew the mum and probably thought (correctly) I was her lover.

How old were the kids and how old were you at the time? I'm not too sure how to move into the role or a psedu male figure in the boys life ... like, he doesn't really do any house work and at 14 I'm thinking he's probably at that age where he should ... but I'm not really basing that on anything, so am just letting the mum lead the whole responsibility thing with him.

I dont think you should be involved in his ... doings.. considering he is 14. If he was 5 it would be different....

He should be helping around the house, not having GIRLS OVER to stay the night LOL but that's not your issue it's your girlfriends

Its great you're so concerned though she's lucky you give a shit!

I'm not going to go into my situation it's too complicated and I've got too much shit going on and things I want to do that a guy just doesn't fit into at this time, I'm not ready... and I don't like "dating" it's too awkward I like to meet people and chat and click that way.. more relaxed and unforced.

... But I think everyone here is sick of me rambling on about myself so I'll shut up now HEH.

Do you have some time frame before someone you're seeing meets your kid or actualy starts doing stuff with them?

Yeah, I guess at age 14 I don't really need to worry too much about it ... he's a good kid blah blah blah ... guess I just want to develop some kind of relationshi with him since I'm living in the same house with him ... datings never been my thing either ... but I guess my version of hanging out might be what someone else calls dating

Hrmm I hadn't actually thought about it, I haven't introduced anyone to her that I've been "dating" or whatever. I take parenting seriously and her well being and secure upbringing is more important at this stage.

Yeah, of course, that makes perfect sense .... but if you met someone and started seeing them would they get introduced straight away? Or would it be totally dependent on the person etc etc ? When I was seeing that chick a couple years back I was never alllowed to stay over as her 4 year old would often want to hop into bed with her in the middle of the night.

No way in hell would I introduce them straight away ... I just take it seriously I am a role model to her so having random guys around being introduced and then falling out of the picture isn't what I want her to see... I would honestly probably not introduce them for months and months until I was sure he was pretty alright and we really had a good thing.

So that's why I don't date really it would be too complicated I take it all too seriously maybe but hey I have high standards for myself and my daughter's upbringing.. plus I've got too much going on .. my new career path, travel, saving, study, fitness goals.. etc..

That sounds like a really good attitude to have

Wow, I actually like and agree with something you've said. Nice.

I'm just glad this poor kid's pretty much grown up. Imagine the idea of itchy playing daddy to some easily influenced 8 year old? THE HORRRROOOORRRRRR! :>

Gah!! I’m always answering these threads so seriously…. Must stop that. lol and just take the piss like everyone else….

don't change your style for biggie QT ever

as for potential partners with kids - sure, why not?

Potential partners that like team sports - now thats a potential love breaker

my only advice.. don't shoplift the pootie.

haha my style.. naggy lady styles.

nah I'm like need to find a girl forum or something where I can be like YEAH TOTES..

Guys are mean.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker, but it's probably not something I would look for. I'm 33 and have no desire to have kids of my own, despite everyone telling me that would change 'when I got older'. So it's not a situation I would get into.

Of course I've been in a relationship for about 4 years so I haven't had to think about it.

That'll change when you get older.

I'll give it until I'm 40 then give up.

I reckon!

I'd probably be calling myself about myself ;-p

I figure I can have kids at any age so no real stress. Mates old man is in his mid 70s and has 3 kids under 10 to his second wife ... my mate and his two brothers are in their mid 40s ... beauty of being a guy I guess.

But, right now I can actually imagine being perfectly happy without my own kids ....

Actually, men's fertility starts dropping and birth defects and miscarriages start increasing from 35, so don't wait too long!

Ew - would you really want to be a dad to under 10s when you're 70?! Poor kids

I probably wouldn't date someone with children... not because of them or the parenting bit, but because of ex baggage.

Even tho davil is joking (I think)... I agree. 33 ain't shit, may as well be 23. Still too early to say never

If you have a kid, you're single and you want to find a partner, congrats. You just wiped out ~40% of your potential market. Most people would prefer to nest without someone without history, some of those will make exceptions. I dont think there's anything wrong with that btw, it's pretty standard thinking

I don't really think you "get it" until you have one if your own. Most people try to gauge their level of interest in reproducing by observing random kids, but it's really not the same at all. It's actually awesome. It's a different and much more powerful love than the others, kind if liberating to finally truly care about someone else more than you care about yourself

My boy is 10, and I love him to death. Want another. Maybe even 2 don't miss out , who the fuck wants to be 60 and staring across an empty Xmas dinner table and generally havi g no one to dote on etc. no kids = no grand kids. Boring and empty future. Just my opinion tho gl

Didnt realise you had a kid Maestro...I thought you were really young for some reason .

I wrote out a couple of replies and deleted them. Usually when I get into a discussion about kids it ends badly, so I'll just smile and say "Yeah, I'll give it until I'm 40."

Hahahahahaha!!!

Also this ^^. If I were to have children, I would want to be the kind of Dad who can do everything with them. I want to take them climbing and surfing, run around with them, sleep in the sand, walk up hills and rolly polly down them...and I don't think I'll be doing that at 70.

the older I get the more desire I have to date someone who has parents

Ha ha.... Yeah I pOst immature for lols, mostly . I am actually 40.

Clucky as fuck imo

Oh you should post normally would be nice to hear your unimmature thoughts on stuff.

Hahaha fuck you

He's right though, you said "rolly polly" only clucky people say that.

I agree with Minxie, the kids thing wouldn't bother me, it's the ex baggage. It's not usually uncomplicated and I am not the type of person to be keen on keeping in contact with people from the past, which you have to do with kids.

My girl and her 8yo daughter have just moved in to my place. There is of course some degree of feeling one's way into the situation, and adjusting to new feelings and people in your life, but otherwise it's fine. I come from a broken home and spent my whole life with step-parents and a step-sister, so have no qualms about it.



gc.

Heh... my girl's baby-daddy is a 6'5" hippie yoga instructor that lives in Piha and would be lucky to scratch together a pair of shoes. Very little ex baggage there.



gc.

Do they still keep in contact? I hate being anywhere near exes so I would find it uncomfortable. But if you didn't have issues like me, then it would be fine. Which is why I don't think it's a bad thing, but I personally couldn't do it. I am grateful for the other fathers i've experienced in my life Stepdads rock, Stepmothers are a little less awesome

Of course they keep in contact, he has to see his daughter.

If I had issues or reservations about the contact that they keep I'd need my head read. He's a space cadet and largely a pain in everyone's ass. He turned up to a school assembly and did a shoeless yoga routine at the back, and often turns up to her swanky primary school with no shirt and a stupid Australian cork hat etc etc.

Heh



gc.

Shit. You might be right. I better drink some whiskey, buy myself something expensive and book some overseas travel to try get it out of my system!!

Not everyone sees their kids

Dear god, he sounds like a lifetime's worth of hilarious stories! That sounds pretty cruisy. I think men have it easier than women though. Most male exes - fairly normal; most female exes - psychotic. Well, that's probably not entirely true but it makes a good story haha.

Oh well must be something good about him if your gf had a kid with him

My ex ..... well we were together since I was 18 and were still had a thing up till last year.. so heaps of history and I think he'll always be protective and care for me.. .just like I do for him. Can't help the kind of closeness when you can just look at someone at know exactly what each other are thinking or about to say..It could make someone else annoyed if they saw us together.. . But he isn't involved enough these days for it to affect my personal life or boyfriend situation things.

She fell pregnant when they were at high school, and were broken up well before baby was born. Evidently he used to be quite a different character - a lot can change in 8/9 years.



gc.

Also doing a year in an ashram tends to have quite the brainwashing effect, I imagine.



gc.

Oh ok Good on you though kids are awesome to have around....

Dude, thats really cool. Good shit.

It all depends on people you dealing with, plus timing.

Few years ago I've tried dating someone with a kid. I myself have a son. Her daughter was insanely jealous of my son, and her mummy giving any attention to him resulted in tantrums. it didn't last long. Completely put me off dating single mums.

Then I met my current partner who also has a daughter. Things are completely opposite with her. We now live together, kids get on fine (sure there is an occasional disagreement, but nothing major) and I have never been happier.

That is cool Wipeout It is always good when the step-siblings get along. In my current family there are 5 daughters, I am glad my mum and partner didnt get together until we were grown up, imagine living in that nightmare!

Cheers!



gc.

That's really cool, I always wonder how my daughter would adapt to having a instant family thing going on... would be quite cool if it all worked out well though.. if not could be a disaster..

I can't say I've entered the realm that is the dating world just yet... I've only been single six months and still coming to terms with my own life LOL! I think heading into a new relationship now would spell disaster for all parties involved! WAY too much baggage, and unfortunately I don't think that will ever change.

My ex isn't the most stable person in the world.... so I think it's always going to be a challenge, but I guess you just deal with it as it comes. I know that my kid always comes first and I'll do my best to ensure he has a super epic childhood. Even if that means no dating for mummy (lol whatever)...

I think when that time does come it will be a while before I introduce them to my son.... I wouldn't say I'm looking for a "father figure", but if I'm going to be into a long term relationship with someone then I would expect their role to be "pseudo" father (if that's the correct term). I would expect my son and him to have some kind of father/son relationship.... I figure we'd be a family and my son would respect my partner and vice versa.

Anyway who goddamn knows! I guess it's like anything you can't really make a valid call on it till you're in the situation.

I guess my issue dating someone else with kids would be the ex baggage thing!

Splits kid:

Definitely agree with this. In between relationships it's so important for people to get to know themselves again, and get their life sorted out before jumping back into a new relationship. That said though, it doesn't mean you can dabble in the dating world with the frame of mind that nothing is going to come of it more than a few dates or something casual. That way when you are ready you'll be more of an experienced dater

Your an egg kris_b.

That's 35 for woman though yeah? Mum had me at 42 ..... maybe that explains a few things

Really interesting read people .... cheers for chucking something in everyone

Yeah mens fertility actually peeks around 35, so technically its true to say it starts dropping about 35, but in the sense it drops back down to the level it was when they were in their 20's / early thirties.

Realistically its only after around 55 that probabilities change much, and even then its a small segment.

take that ladies

0900 daktari - still fertile... not always functional

I would love to "date" or at least be reminded there are genuine/nice/decent guys out there (dunno why the fuck I still trawl biggie ) haha! But as it stands I have no time for dating *sigh*

Woe is me.

At home alot and got 5 mins here and there Minx ...Internet dating obv

I've never really dated as such, more just met people in random situations, hooked up and then worked out if there was a relationship in the mix or not.

My boyfriend seems to be ok with dating a chick with a kid. He thought about it for a few weeks initially, but then he met my kiddo and wooah where did the last 2 years go?
Anyway it's pretty rad, I have zero contact with my sons Dad, and boyfriend has Dad status right down to the 'you're not my friend' tantrums when told to do something he doesn't want to. Boyfriend handles it like a boss, has the occasional time out when the stress of a child gets too much, but otherwise he's DA BOMB DIGGITY.

Some of you overthink these things. Life happens, go with it.

Was it easy for him to slide into that role? How old was/is your kid?

Yep, Riley was 2 at the time and will be 5 in October. So only little

In terms of 14 year olds... I hated my dads partner trying to parent me or anything when I was 14.. rebelled against it HARD. But I was a bit of an angry young girl :> Then we had to move into her house so I left to go back to my mum (after quitting mums gig when she moved in with her boyfriend).

I say just be their 'friend' to start with. Teenagers can be awful..

Ah cool, cheers. Yeah, he seems like a pretty stable and good kid. I've tried to take him out go karting but he's fobbed me off twice ... thought maybe snow planet instead .... might get me some cred if he sees me boarding ... played a bit of basketball with him as that's his thing, but no cred to be earned there as he's way better than me

No, men. Here are a couple of articles I just found about it:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2008/jul/07/health.children

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20030626/male-biological-clock-ticking-too

Pretty damn good attitude I reckon!

Having worked in an area where this type of thing can cause issues, it is refreshing to see some people's attitudes on here. Having said that, how would you feel if your ex's new partner attempted to parent your child? A number of posters here don't seem to have the other parent having much input into their child's life, and that's often not a positive thing either...those people where the other parent isn't involved - have you encouraged their involvement?

Wouldn't bother me if the ex was still involved in her sons life ... unfortunatly he's in Scotland and washed his hands of the parental things years ago .... guess it'd be weird if somenoe was raising yur kid and you either did not like them or didn't agree with their parenting style.

I guess this situation can be fraught with danger. If I was the partner, ie non-birth parent then I would take my cues based on the relationship of the actual parents. I know of friends in a similar situation and all parties involved communicate well, and all decisions appear to be made solely on the best interests of the children.

If the ex was some nut bar, that was hell bent on having input into his child's life, but this was often coming from a vindictive angle then I would probably not be keen on getting involved